I remember the cold chair, my heart pounding, my vision blurring. I sat beside my 3 year old daughter as she was coming out of anesthesia, trying to comfort her all while also trying to digest what the doctor was telling me. I couldn’t hear anything after I heard the word “tumor.”
I felt my world stop. I couldn’t believe this was happening to us. Again. My husband lost his father just 5 years earlier to brain cancer. My first thought, ‘God, how could you let this happen to him again?’
The first few days were agonizing. How could we move forward from this? We were sent home to get her comfortable before she had surgery to biopsy and hopefully remove some of this tumor in her brain stem. When we arrived home, I remember going to my room and wailing. My precious baby. The little girl that made me a mom. My sweet daughter who possessed all the “firsts” of our chapters in parenthood. I assumed she would die. I couldn’t look at the pictures on our walls. I assumed one day, she wouldn’t be in them, and they would be a memory I’d painfully long for. Real, true brokenness.. hopelessness.. is what I felt. I remember saying over and over again, “Now we will know what we really believe about God.”
The waiting room was full of loved ones. Praying, reading scripture, hugging and crying. Being in that room was powerful. I’ve never been so entrenched in the Word of God and in worship. I knew my feeble soul simply couldn’t withstand this storm. The only way I could press on was with a power that was not my own.
My husband and I woke up the next morning after her surgery and something shifted in our hearts. The Holy Spirit met us with peace. We were calm. We both acknowledged this hope we felt and knew something big was happening in our lives. How could we go from such darkness to beaming light with our circumstances unchanged? Jesus. How could our daughter still be sick, still be paralyzed from a cancer growing in her body, and still smile? Jesus.
Jesus promised He is near to the brokenhearted. He promised to never leave us. He promised His power is made PERFECT in our weakness. We saw these promises come to be in powerful, tangible ways. He truly gave us a peace that surpasses all understanding. He led us by still waters. To a stream of life and hope.
Fast forward almost 2 years, my daughter is currently tumor-free. I do not have it all figured out. I still struggle with anxiety and fear and worry. This peace we felt grew and faltered and came and went. We are fickle humans who will continue to be sanctified each day until we are with the Lord. But what we experienced is life changing and worth sharing. Whether anyone actually reads this or not, writing helps me digest my own reflections, thoughts, worries, etc.
So if you are a mom struggling with fear, a weary heart, or in need of encouragement in the everyday moments of life, stay a while! I will be talking all things homeschooling, motherhood, pregnancy, post-partum, and trying to live in normalcy after such a time of grief. I will share my experiences, encouragement, and Biblical Truth in hopes that we all may build our homes by still waters, trusting in what God has for us and that He will supply our every need.
-Emily
home by still waters 